2022 was a fine year for film...but some stinkers crept through and gummed up the piping (in fairness, many of them were not actually from last year). Enjoy.
[Click on the titles of the bottom three for links to full reviews]
The Russo Brothers tried to bring their money-bagging to Netflix and seemed to be doing ok, until the film apparently dropped off a cliff after the first week - though it's very hard to trust the 'box office' returns of streamers. At any rate, this wasn't great, wasting the star wattage of Chris Evans, Ryan Gosling and specifically Ana de Armas and Jessica Henwick. It was positioned as a franchise with an open ending but let's hope they reconsider. Not the worst (obviously, there are nine to come) but a solid disappointment.
Nobody should be surprised that Roland Emmerich has made a dud here, but the cast maybe should have known better. Halle Berry is a fine actress and Patrick Wilson is underrated, even Donald Sutherland pops up for a cameo (I say 'pops up', in fact, he's in a wheelchair for his few seconds of screen time). The cast isn't the issue, it's just a flat out stupid story. The Moon is getting closer to earth and perhaps there's a sentient being involved. So the plan is to nuke the lunar mutha! I can't think of anyone who might have liked this, outside of some QAnon fruit baskets.
7. Venom: Let There Be Carnage (2021)
The first Venom in 2018 was bad enough. This one added another symbiote in the human form of Woody Harrelson to try to raise the stakes. Tom Hardy has some fun and he's the best element to the film, but the whole thing is paced badly, it can't find a consistent tone and crucially, it's boring.
I hadn't seen this late 90s flop but someone (Parizad) had it in their top 5 a year or two ago, so I thought I'd give it a crack. Well, the best I can say is that it's 'of its time'. Kevin Kline is a solid comic actor, Ken Branagh goes fatally over the top and Big Willy Smith is at the peak of his zeitgeist. But it has either aged very badly or it was never any good. I'll plump for the latter. When the annoyingly nostalgic song is the best thing about a film, you know something went wrong along the way.
This is an odd one. Perhaps it lost me in translation but this Japanese film about an almost mythical assassin who is obliged to not kill for a year (due to storyline considerations) is interminably dire. It tries to be funny and sure, some of the humour works better for the local audience, but wow, it's rubbish. The acting is broadly broad, most of the set pieces are workmanlike at best and the plot has zero initiative or originality. It only sneaks in one spot higher than its predecessor (see below) thanks to a passable scaffolding fight scene.
4. The Fable (2019)
The original and the worst (just) of the Fable 'canon'. Stupidly unfunny lead character, played irritatingly by Jun'ichi Okada, nonsensical plot contrivances, and shoddy acting all around. This is based on a manga but how it got a sequel greenlit, I can't begin to fathom. Different strokes for different folks, I guess.
Taika Waititi has a lot of credit in the bank, with the refreshingly odd Ragnarok adding to his Kiwi stuff (Flight of the Conchords, What We Do in the Shadows, Hunt for the Wilderpeople, etc). What happened with this 4th Thor film, then? Probably hubris, I'd reckon. It's tonally all over the place and smug, with overcooked sentimentality and attempts at zany set pieces unbalancing the dish. Only Christian Bale comes out with any kudos. This is maybe the bottom of the bag for the MCU - the only way is up?
What an oddity. Usually, I'm all over nutballs films but this French sci-fi muddler with student filmmaker sensibilities boiled my piss no end. The story, if it can be called that, sees a young woman and her mother tasked with hunting down 'Kate Bush' on a planet with no dudes but stacks of cheap looking landscapes, peopled with pretentious antagonists. At a tad over 2 hours, you really need your wits about you to stay awake.
It's a shame to put this at the top (bottom) of the list, as it stars two of my favourite actors in Saoirse Ronan and Sam Rockwell, but it's so pedestrian and dull that I really had no choice. Set around a murder during the original run of The Mousetrap, the story had potential. Sadly, the 'creatives' behind it either didn't have the chops or things broke down in production, though going by the credits of the director and writer, I'd favour my first guess. Not at all funny, boring and annoying is a fine hat-trick of shite.
(Kid)
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