Worst of 2020 - End of Year Report

So for all the shite that occurred in 2020, the films I saw weren't all that bad, just very bland or disappointing. The good certainly outweighed the bad. But here are the 10 worst films I had the displeasure of seeing last year. Don't be afraid but please do avoid.

10. The Gentlemen (2019)

Guy Ritchie's body of work has really declined since, well, since the beginning. This is a pale echo of his best days, when geezerism was at its most endearing (if you swing that way). I have a kind of sad feeling that Ritchie's legs have gone, that the best days are well behind him. Even Hugh Grant playing nicely against type and Colin Farrell, hamming up the Oirish, can't salvage this.

9. The Man Who Fell to Earth (1976)

So it seems Bowie was human after all; fallible, imperfect. This film was a real disappointment, hovering around my radar for many years, I finally saw it last year and well, ponderous and dull probably sum it up for me. Let's call it a minor glitch in the Bowie Matrix.

8. Mary Poppins Returns (2018)

The first on the list that I can blame on the kids. Emily Blunt toils heroically with the simpering material but can't lift the twee mess from anything other than failed, post-Disney vacuity.

7. Digby: The Biggest Dog in the World (1973)

Another attempt to feed the kids some quality entertainment, this sadly didn't pass muster. Building a film around a dog the size of a diplodocus but neglecting any humour, peril or human character development has turned poor old Digby into a damp squib.

6. Men in Black: International (2019)

A tired, worn-out franchise, unable to be saved by his-Thorness, Chris Hemsworth, though the cast turn the charm dial up as far as it will go. Same old story, nothing to see here. Move on folks.

5. Hotel Transylvania (2012)

Some coked-up movie executive must have green lit this on the premise alone - "Hey dudes, what if the monsters were actually the heroes. Get it? WE'RE the real monsters. It's frickin' awesome, right?" Has the whiff of Sandler about it and the awful musical number at the end just cranked up the vomitometer.

4. Rampage (2018)

The Rock. Massive animals. Piss-weak gags. Cut and paste storyline. In fact, I've forgotten most of this 'film'. I don't know, maybe that's what the kids want these days. I'll be in my nostalgia vault if anyone needs me.

3. King Arthur: Legend of the Sword (2017)

Another Guy Ritchie offering, one which makes number 10 on this list look like Snatch. So very boring, with a wooden lead (Charlie Hunnam) and a handful of better actors wasting their time and ours. Who would have thought that giving old British mythology the Ritchie treatment would have produced such a steaming pile? Every-fucking-body, that's who.

2. Honest Thief (2020)

Why? Why was this made? Aside from Liam Neeson, who is still a likeable screen presence (though he seems to be doing everything he can to undermine that), this film is packed with bog-average no-names. And that's not the worst of it. Atomic dullness permeates the screen, 'action' scenes fizzle like wet socks, lines are read like out-takes from some dodgy 80s TV soap. Cripes, it's bloody awful.

1. Shrek 2 (2004)

Ok, I didn't care much for the first Shrek and I only watched this to satisfy the kids (those pesky kids are responsible for FOUR of the films in this list! Won't someone think of the children!?). Shrek 2 is full of post-90s drivel aimed at kids, but through a nudge-nudge, wink-wink prism of borderline smut. Now, I'm not averse to smut, don't get me wrong, but wedged into a PG cartoon? No thanks. The supposed jokes are crap, the voice work is annoying, the animation is headache inducing and the music is wincingly shite, even the Cave and Bowie stuff. It's not often I have to physically massage out a full facial sneer after a film. Fuck off Shrek, you big green twat.